I’ve found myself in a spot where I feel like I do well, moving on auto pilot, and sometimes actually moving where I am realizing what moves I am making. Most of the time I am just surviving. For those of you who are going through a hard time and don’t know if what you are doing is rite. I will tell you rite now, there is no rite or wrong. I am still battling people telling me I am not doing enough, or they’re going to help me work through certain things. Let me be clear, I have not asked anyone to help me, I have not asked to be assisted, I am trying to figure it out on my own.

With that being said, I don’t say this to be mean or rude BUT I don’t take people up on their offer to help because
1. I don’t want to do things their way, it’s my life and I have to re-build the way I want to.
2. I’m the one with that is going through the experiences, and although I appreciate the sentiment, I’m the one feeling the emotions, memories, physical changes, and I have to navigate the new normal.
3. Lastly… I DO NOT TRUST people to actually help me.

So I wish I could but I can’t. Is more than a phone call or text to my soon to be ex husband. It pertains to everything. There have been times in the last few months where I have been dealing with serious health issues and I wish I could just talk to him, because it was supposed to be in sickness and in health. Or I am so overwhelmed with all the happenings, and life continuing to decide I can take more on… But then I think, even when we were still together, he was never there… so what would change now?

After the feeling subsides of wanting to reach out cuz I was told he is ready now to be there for me because he still cares and always will. I realize, even if I did reach out, it would end in a fight, and entertainment of toxic behavior. Still to this day I cannot say the right thing to him. Everything I say still strikes a nerve. Maybe it’s because I call him out, like I always have. OR maybe it’s because I question things he has done or said in the past. He’s got so many “friends” and yes I say that in quotes because the amount of shit they allow him to get away with, from behaviors to actions, and when they chose to stick around, to me aren’t real friends.

I can recall a couple times when his friends would apologize for him to me for his actions, or the things he was putting me through. But then when he would show up they would act like everything was fine and then turn around and tell me to give him time that things would get better. Never once did they question him, call him out, hold him accountable, or tell him he was wrong. I don’t know if it was because they were scared of him, or because they knew if they went along with everything he would have their back financially. Either way, those aren’t friends. I know that he still has them around and they have hung around him because he has given them a place to live, or has ensured they were taken care of. That being said when he is around them he is still the Ahole I chose to leave. But when he is away from them traveling and has a clear head and has a chance to review his actions and think about everything he becomes the husband I know. He is not gone completely. But he definitely faded…

When i get those thoughts about calling or texting or wondering how he is, and I wish I could but I can’t. I can’t put myself in that merry go round again… I chose to save myself before I disappeared completely. Yes, maybe I do wish I could reach out. Reality is I can’t. If I do I am putting myself in the same situation and offering myself up for more hurt. So instead, when I do wish I could… I hang on for dear life and wait till the wish passes. Because I chose me this time, as much as it hurt to chose me, someone had to, and I am glad it was me.

So, here is my two cents. For those of you struggling to make it to the realization that you can’t… Breath through it… It get’s easier… To those of you, trying to figure it out on your own but have everyone around you or things around you that have suggestions or tips on how to make it through, and it’s overwhelming or not what you want shut it out, treat it as outside noise. If you are just not able to trust anyone cuz everyone has let you down one way or another, YOU ARE NOT BROKEN! It’s okay! It’s okay not to be able to take someone up on their offer or believe they are good. Cuz honey, this world, and people are messed up. You can trudge through the muck and take the time to figure out what it is you want around you and in your life. There is NO rush. As I have said before… Healing is not linear, and people don’t get to decide how much time you have to heal, or grieve, or deal.