Mother’s day was a tough one. I still have my mom, but this mother’s day would have been my first mother’s day with a husband and depending on the miscarriage 4 or 5 months pregnant. We would have been well in to starting our family and again depending on the miscarriage… either more than halfway there or almost halfway there…. The difference that this mother’s dday was to previous is I was with the man I wanted to start a family with, the one I wanted the rest of my life with. The one that we actually planned for a family, and had started making moves to ensure a good future, a long one together.

When I look back at what would have happened if we were still struggling and I would still be pregnant what would I do? I would have still left… But I would have loved my babies and made sure they were taken care of, loved, cared for. It would have been a lot harder to do but in a selfish way I guess I can say I would have had a part of the happy time with him.

Mother’s day in general has been hard for me for 4 years now, because that was my first miscarriage I had ever experienced, and although I see that one as a blessing in disguise for a lot of reasons. This one I just cannot see how it is a blessing in disguise. People keep telling me “Oh you should be thankful that you guys don’t have kids. It would have made this so much harder.” I get that BUT from my point of view, I still would have traded the harder divorce if I had, had the chance to love on my babies. Either one of them.

Now a few days later, I am struggling with the spiral of what that day was for me. As people who have lived trauma, and been through it, live everyday with it. We know if there are anniversaries, or triggers, we prepare. We prepare for the emotions, body memories or possible triggers, we mask as best we can to make it through. Rite? I made it through that day, was gentle with myself, let myself rest, but also let myself breath. Prepared myself for a week ahead of work and masking to the best of my abilities.

That being said, I did NOT prepare for the aftermath well. The amount of pain a trigger caused today was unimaginable, and now I am here. The trigger happened 30min before the end of my shift, and as soon as the clock turned I was ready to walk out. I could barely say anything to people as I left, other than have a good night. I came back, to find that maybe someone may have been inside my home, the home I am supposed to be safe in. I did what every tenant should do is contact the rental company and verify that they had not sent anyone into my place. It is almost 10pm and I have not heard anything back yet. So more tirggers! Yay! Next I cleaned up a bit tried to make myself busy, and I continued to feel heavier and heavier. Till finally I was making myself feel paranoid, so I grabbed my dog, and my shit and left. I cried, for all the things I was sad of. But I fought with myself on allowing to feel all of it or not. Still I CANNOT break. I cannot feel it all rite now because, everything combined rite now it is TOO heavy. It is getting too heavy to carry, and I am scared that once I do break I will not be able to pick back up and go, that I’ll be stuck in this ick.

At least before I felt like I was moving through the ick. I was moving through missing my ex husband. I was moving through wanting to be held by him, and making things work. I honestly rite now all I want, is to be held while I cry, and yell and scream. I want to be told that is not the reason he is leaving. I want to be told it is NOT my fault. Deep down. Deep down I know that is NOT the reason he chose what he did. Deep down I know he does not blame me. Deep down I know it is not my fault. But what I would give to be comforted by him rite now. I know he was there the first night. I know he got over it, and told me to get over it and move on because we would try again. But that is NOT possible anymore. This is MY body, My Body is what is going through the changes, and is taking forever to level out.

So let me tell you this. If you love someone that has miscarried, and that person WANTED that child, give them the respect of sitting in the ick with them. Don’t push them to move forward, eb encouraging to move forward, but DON”T ever invalidate their emotions. Because a person’s body that goes through a miscarriage, it’s more than just the instant of the miscarriage. It is hormones that stay inbalanced for long periods, not to mention the stres that goes along with that, or sadness that plays in to menstrual cycles. Not to mention dependant on how far along you are you may have phantom movement’s and feelings, that trigger more emotions, reminders. A body does not just bleed and move on. It remembers. As we know with other traumas, our bodies are a road maps to our past traumas, and generational traumas, our bodies remember everything, while our brain may be protecting us our bodies will always remember, and when our brains say it’s safe to feel. We’ll start to feel. But in the interim be patient, remind the person to be gentle with themselves. You may not understand it. But you don’t have to understand it to be there for someone… There is more to a miscarriage than what people see visually or care to understand.

So to end this… Do I wish he would acknoledge any of Mothers day to me? yes. Do I still wish I had a supportive partner to go through this with me yes. Is that reality? No. Reality is I will mask tomorrow again and on friday, and hope I can push all these emotions down far enough so they do not bubble to the surface.