Let’s talk about somedays…. The somedays that I am good and nothing can touch me, the somedays that it hurts, the some days I am mad, the somedays I just move forward and keep breathing because that is the only options. Then there are the days where I remember the good days. It plays like a movie in my head, I can hear his laughter, our laughter. The days I remember the tenderness and the feeling of safety. Then there are the days I just feel like a badbitch and I just don’t care anymore. All of those days happen, and most days I don’t know what it’s going to be or it could start off as a good day and then the slightest thing and it turns in to a bad one or a sad one. But you know what, I am still here. I say that everymorning I wake up. I fall asleep to telling myself I am still here and I’ve got me. Why you may ask. Well as it has been pointed out to me multiple times now. My friends who love and care for me remind me how bad it is to watch me hurt and them not know what to do.

So here is a tip. People get to have their feelings about all of it. But respect the person who is going through it. You can talk about how you feel to your partner or other friends. But constantly telling the person who is trying to hang on what a bad person the person they are divorcing from is a bad person is not helpful. It’s actually alienating. It is NOT okay to make the situation about yourself. Then turn around and tell them that you are there for them and ask why they have not reached out. It is because everytime the person going through it has reached out to process, to talk, were not looking for a replay of the reason we should be getting a divorce or a reminder of how much dislike people have for him because he hurt me. Trust me when I tell you, that person if they have gotten to the point that they finally walked away it means they know how much damadge has been done. It is their choice to do the walking away, and it is HARD to be on the other side of things I understand that BUT it was always my choice to stay and be an actual supportive friend and if I couldn’t I walked away. Because my own thoughts, unless asked for were not the ones that people needed to hear in the moment. If someone going through a divorce or a break up and it’s not a good situation, they are trusting you to be there for them for whatever reason. But please, I beg you just be there for them, you don’t have to understand the feelings of missing their loved one. You don’t have to understand the sadness, you don’t even have to agree with them! But you can at the very least be there for them and keeo your hatred, dislike, negative comments to yourself. You will know when it is okay to bash in a conversation. If you don’t know then ask. But don’t just say what you feel about the other person or get upset at the person who is coming to you and telling you how they are truly feeling because in the end. That person would rather be on their own, and have themselves than have anymore weight put on them because people can’t read the room or can’t keeo their emotions in check. When people say there is a time and place, there is a time and place.

Now that being said, let’s talk about these days. This last week has been ROUGH, despite all the negative shit that has happened between my soon to be ex husband, I STILL love that man. I STILL wish things hadn’t gone the way that they did. I STILL miss that man. There is so much that I am realizing that I have to grieve, and I think that is part of the pain now. Somedays I feel like I am on top of the world and nothing can touch me and I got this, I feel strong and confident and determind to do what I need to do for me. That my decision of chosing me was the rite one, even though it was so hard to walk away that night and act like it didn’t hurt. So those days I welcome those days, because it makes it less painful, still painful but manageable. Still strong…

Then there are days that I remember the last conversation where I recall all of it. Sitting there in that truck as he told me his realization’s and sit tall and act confident as my insides became smaller and smaller. The feelings of being insufficient, and not good enough, and my last few years were a joke, and all a lie… Feeling good about chosing me while all the negative thoughts come through makes it more painful. Replaying it in my head and not feeling strong, feeling small and insignificant because all of it starts running through my head. All the fights, all the begging and explaining of why I wanted to be chosen, why I needed him to stop hurting me. Why it affected me the way it did. When in this mindset I convince myself that none of what I said mattered. When I know deep down it did, because he tried, he actually did. But it’s a replay.

Somedays I can’t help but cry out of happiness because the good things are replaying in my head the good memories, the good feelings, the comfort. Feeling thankful that I got to experience the good in that man. That I got to share my life with him, good or bad, that I got to experience some happiness with a partner. Because at this point I don’t want it anymore. Then I start missing him. Missing talking to him. Missing having him close, missing the hugs, the tickles, the side smiles… The best way I can explain those days is joy… Joy for being able to say even though life decided to life, I did get some happiness… Then most of the time although I’d love to sit and in my box of good memories and allow them to play like a movie on repeat… I can’t… I spiral and it hurts… more because, now I know it’s gone… Trying so hard NOT to have hope in those moments or want to go back and in the end not honor myself and what I need, what I deserve because I still want him… I have to remind myself I will never get that back at least not with him. Maybe not with anyone ever again, but I am okay with that, I am resolved…

Then the days I have been having lately is the walls are still falling all around me and I’m in the middle of the room as debris hits me and I can’t move. I can’t crouch and hold my head to protect myself. I can’t breath, and I can’t feel my arms or legs, and I’m just watching myself get hit… Because I’m a shell of a person who can’t take it anymore. My brain is trying to protect itself from more pain, or maybe it’s that it hurts so much that everything is numb. The kind of numb that feels swollen and big, but there is no pain. It hurts so much that there is nothing, I can’t hear anything, I can’t feel the debris, I can’t feel the tears rolling down my face, I don’t why I’m crying I just am. It hurt’s so much I am numb…

I’m going through the motions and taking it a day at a time. But it’s hard… The world is loud, the worry is real, the pain is too much… But again, I’m sitting in the ick, and taking it a day at a time, and most day’s just a moment at a time nothing more… because I feel heavy and I can’t take it much more, or longer… I can’t fall apart yet though because I still have to be able to communicate, clearly, conscisly. Once all of this is said and done… maybe I’ll let myself break but only with myself. Because I can’t rely on anyone else to be there without the extra stuff… So maybe I’ll break, maybe I’ll stay in the numb and continue to mask to the best of my abilities, which are phenomenal! Had plenty of practice! Since age 3! Real pro over here…