You know, I was the type of woman who wanted to marry once, and have it all.. But through this process of healing I’ve realized I cannot allow myself to be a small insignificant girl. I matter, what I say matters, My feelings matter. So here is what I have figured out since last night. The initial punch of when you realize it’s actually done and over HURTS like someone is reaching in to your heart and yanking it then squeezing it until you cannot breath and then you watch it shatter and you become this black and white object. You stare at your heart that is shattered in to a million billion pieces and you wonder how did I get here. Why did I break these promises to myself. I promised I would never allow another man to treat me poorly or allow myself to give everything and more and have nothing left for me. Well I broke that promise to myself. Ladies if you hear that little voice in the back of your head saying stop, your making up excuses to make him sound better and validate his behavior that is toxic. STOP. Listen to yourself and listen to that little voice because that will save you the pain that I just went through.
This type of break I know was filled with much more than being upset my marriage ended. This was pain that my worth was nothing to my soon to be ex-husband. He used me, belittled me, stripped me of my confidence, laughed at me, manipulated me, gaslit me, betrayed me, and in some ways did abuse me. I can go on and on. Yes he has done me wrong BUT I too allowed this to happen again. It’s a trauma cycle from being in a abusive relationship. People wonder sometimes, well why did you stay if he was so bad. It’s because you hold on to the hope of those little moments that were happy. You are scared that you have nothing because you gave everything you had whether it was monitary, emotionally, mentally, physically all of it. You are scared to walk away because what about the reprocussions? There are so many reasons why we stay. Mine was I held on to hope that the man I fell in love with, the man I married and said my vows to, the man that held me and protected me would come back. (He wasn’t actually physically gone up until a few months ago. It was more emotional/mental.) I made excuses that oh we’ve had a rough year, he’s grieving, he’s struggling with his own trauma, he had a bad day at work. In the end, I made excuses for a man who looked me in the eye and told me I checked all the boxes except for my looks, and if he would have known that looks mattered to him he would never have taken US this far. This man who at the beginning told me he fell in love with me because of my heart and what was on the inside, sat and told me I was hot in high school and I have potential now to look like that again. He told me that he is BORED (mind you he was never the experimental type, and with my trauma with SA I don’t push those boundaries on someone.) He told me his brain needed to be stimulated visually, and in the end I’m just not his type. This man then tells me, he realizes he has commitment issues and he may not be able to be monogomus, and that he never explored in his teens or in his early 20’s. (There is NOTHING wrong with this. except this should have been figured out BEFORE we committed our lives to one another.)
I want to say this again there is NOTHING wrong with what he wants/needs to do for himself. Also I CANNOT hold hate or anger towards him.

NOW: Lord knows I meant “Till death do us part.” After years of watching him chose other women based on their looks, yeah my self confidence was shot. The way you treat your partner is SO important, along with how you speak to them, body language, all of the things.
So what did I do, I took a breath summoned all the strength I possibly could assemble within me and spoke what I knew was true for me. Which was, I had already gone through experimenting sexually and I knew what it was I wanted, what I needed and ultimately what I deserved. The response I got was absolutely rediculous. He got so mad at me and told me if I didn’t go with his plan that I did not love him for who he was and I did not accept him. I corrected him and reminded him that IT did not mean that, it just mean that this time I was CHOSING myself and I was NOT going to make myself any smaller than I had allowed myself to become. Also told him this was THE LAST TIME he would EVER HURT me again. He was confused at that. But it felt SO good to finally say this is it, this is done, and I will not allow you to hurt me anymore. That was the beginning of me taking my power back.

So now, how do I move on and allow the process of growth and ensuring that I do not continue that cycle? There are also a lot of realizations that generational trauma is so REAL. All I have been able to figure out is this… I have to take it a day at a time, allow myself my emotions, stop giving him access to me which means my emotions, my whereabouts etc are all sealed and closed off… The only thing I need to do with him is communicate about the divorce. Battin down the hatches to me… maybe be a little reckless while I pick up all those pieces and somehow figure out how to put color back in to my life….

So here’s to me… starting from zero again….