One of the things I have been struggling with as of late is feeling so alone in my marriage. Our first year of marriage was probably one of the hardest years I have ever experienced. As someone with Trauma especially with relationships I had always prided myself as to how I handled feeling abandoned, alone or betrayed by a partner. I had done the work and had held myself to such a high standard. In past relationships when I was triggered I worked through it and then that was it, or if it was something really bad I would walk away. Well this time I didn’t realize until recently that this time is different, because this time I am married to my partner. It’s not just a partnership there is a marriage, I committed my life to this other person to our future.
I’m a little old school in this area, I still believe that when you get married that person is the one that you see your life with, and you commit to them, heart, soul and mind. You are faithful to them, and if there are issues you work through them together, and when one of you can’t meet in the middle you make up the difference because no one can give all, all the time. Well what I did not realize is I had done all the work to not be as reactive and cope with triggers in relationships yes. But this time, when I was told that “I had wished you’d dealt with your trauma before you got in a relationship with me.” I internalized that comment and started dissecting myself as to what could I have done better or different. What I didn’t realize in that moment was, that comment was meant to hurt, and it gaslit me, as someone whose done the work I didn’t need to tear each piece of the last 3 years apart and blame myself for where we found ourselves. I had done what I needed the first few times I started feeling hurt, betrayed, lied to, belittled, dismissed. By that I mean this was my process:
Step 1) Was I reacting to the situation or a past trauma (If reaction was to past trauma and not present then apologized for my reaction and move on.)
If not
Step 2) Use I statements always in a situation expressing my emotion, or reaction
Step 3) Discuss situation ( This was not always an option as my husband was not always open to discuss.)
Step 4) Come up with solution’s together (Or as together as we could)
Step 5) Take accountability for my part if there was one (usually husband would express if something I had done/said had triggered this behavior/words/actions.)
Step 6) Move on, ensuring I was completing my part of the solution.

These steps became harder and harder to do as these situations progressed into worse situations. The more we tried to fix, the more we fell apart. The more I gave in to behaviors that I had told myself I would never allow myself to be okay with again the more I lost myself. But I stayed because 1. I love him. 2. I married him. 3. I believed he was doing what he needed to do to grow.

End of last year we had decided to take a break because everyday was an argument/ a fight, tears, and no solution. We had set boundaries that were not to be crossed, which included no cheating. Well according to my husband in his mind he was done with our marriage but had not told me that. So he went outside physically outside the marriage. A week or so after I went back we talked, I felt more like myself than I had in a while so I was more me. We decided we were going to stay together. Three days later my husband felt so guilty that he informed me he had been with someone else but that he did not consider that cheating because in his mind we were over. I had to take a breath, and digest, he went for the door to leave upset and I could not believe that he was the one that was upset. I asked him where he was going he responded and said a drive. I then asked why I had not been told this at the beginning and he said he didn’t know. But that he was sorry and he wanted us to work out. I told him it could never happen again and if it did he had to tell me when it happened and be honest. (Mind you in the back of my mind I could not believe I was going to still try and make this work. But always keeping in mind we had, had an unimaginable year, and he was affected the most.) I agreed to stay. We lasted maybe a month before things went back to how things were before our break.

I was tired again from the constant looking at other women, knowing about it and knowing he was not going to tell me. I was tired of waking up rolling over and the first thing I’d see was him on his phone on another women’s site (yes I mean site.) When all this first started it didn’t bother me, I felt secure and confident in myself, then the more it happened the less confident and secure I felt in my relationship/marriage. Especially when these women did not look ANYTHING like me. I am built larger, and had grown out of my gothic phase and I never had style (haha) but I felt good about myself. I guess to me in my mind, those continuous actions of watching him yearn for something that wasn’t me and never would be, and seeing the constant evidence and lack of physical anything just continued to deplete me. It wasn’t that I came in to the relationship with those doubts in my mind from past traumas but they became an issue because it was a constant thing I was battling and seeing evidence of. Words stopped having any weight to them because it was always the same thing. I had become so okay with accepting this treatment and accepting the same empty promises and lies that I lost site of myself. The person who is strong, confident, fun, loving, caring, sometimes in need of reassurance but that person I had worked so hard to become had disappeared. But I hadn’t started that way with him. Unfortunately he never understood that his continuous repeated actions were what turned me in to the submissive, quiet, closed off person. In the same breath I can say I have to take responsibility for allowing it to happen. Even though I feel like I put up a fight to not allow history to repeat itself I still allowed to lose site of myself (So to those of you reading and saying I’m not taking responsibility I am taking responsibility for my part.)

All that came to a halt end of last year. I had become so small, that I was trying to wear all these hats the supportive wife, friend, daughter, sister, pet mom. I forgot that just being a wife meant I was scheduling all our health appointments, ensuring our medications were filled and picked up at the rite time, business items for our family were dealt with, vet appointments were made, pet training was taken care of, laundry was done, groceries were bought, meals were made. I managed all of it, and I did well. But as a person with chronic illness things were hard to begin with. From waking up with a joint out of place, or walking and somehow spraining my ankle or bending over a second too long and passing out, some days pain is unimaginable. I couldn’t do it anymore. He asked for a divorce I agreed, I was tired, no I was EXHAUSTED the type of exhausted that sleep would not fix. When we went to actually talk about the divorce he said he wanted to work on things, it was him and I against the world, and I knew how tired I was. We had also just gone through 2 miscarriages back to back and I was not okay. I asked for 6 months to heal and come back to the table. He said he would use that time to work on himself and find what he wanted to do with his life. I agreed. Then some other things happened and we felt stronger together but now as I sit here. Wondering if he has already made a decision and has not told me, I’m stuck. With so much uncertainty and knowledge of his habits, and his past inability to grow and move from a single bachelor to a married man, I just don’t know anymore. The last time we spoke he was the man I knew, and married, but since… I can’t help but wonder if he is just not telling me that decision he has already made.

I have also realized that one of the reasons I never gave up was because I knew what being in the worst place in my life felt like and being left/abandoned felt like. I don’t want to do that to another being. But sitting with the pain and in the ick of these emotions and thoughts I still can’t help but love this man for the man I married. I have been dealing with a lot that he knows nothing about and maybe that is a good thing. But lonely in any relationship is a hard pill to swallow. The circumstances don’t ever make it easier to swallow. Things just are the way they are. Do I wish that I could tell him all that is on my mind, absolutely. Do I wish that I could tell him what has been happening? Absolutely. Will I? No. Why? Because rite now I have to sit in the ick, and process. I guess this is why I made this blog, as a venting area, but also I know I am not the only one who has ever gone through or felt this way.


This man is one of the most stubborn, loving, caring, kind men I know. But I need to keep processing and taking it one breath at a time because I can’t give up on myself not yet. Holding out hope for him and my marriage may be dumb to some reading this but I can’t predict the future. I have to let go of the past like I have countless other times with past relationships. I may be a complete dreamer when it comes to hoping that his ways have changed or are slowly changing, and he’ll keep his word this time. But I also am keeping mine. I have to process, and heal… So I can only say I’ll take it one scenario at a time and delve in to the ick.