Today has been productive but also the last couple days have been a bit rough. Rough because I have been studying so hard and although I am doing great and progressing as I should that self doubt that I have had since I was a kid about myself. Studying has never been my strong suit and it did not help that for a lot of my education career I was not the best, I was not given the support I deserved because I did not have people who truly believed in my accomplishment. Don’t get me wrong. I did have teachers/instructors who set me up for success but there were only 6 of them that truly believed in me. I had a counselor in my HS career who did not give me the college financial scholarship list and when confronted she responded with “well what is the point, you’ll end up working at McDonalds or a cleaning lady.”

Although I have worked through that doubt and self doubt that, that experience brought. I still in the back of my head hear that full discussion and argument, and most days it does not bug me, or make me second guess myself. But lately I had a person who I truly believed loved all of me. It was thrown in my face that this class was taking me too long or it should have been done forever ago. But in my mind, it is not that simple, it hasn’t been for a long time. Removing myself from what had become a toxic environment and trying to start from zero again not knowing what that relationship was going to end in. (I still don’t by the way.) Has given me a chance to work on getting my body out of that constant fight or flight reaction. By that I mean my flight reaction is allowing my body to shake, when I am put in triggering situations, my anxiety is constantly racing, I go from adrenaline to adrenaline crash. Also if anyone reading this has ever felt the constant brain fog that is PTSD/CPTSD welcome to my life. I can be in the middle of a conversation and forget what I was just talking about. I can be attempting to recall a memory and I just can’t. It can get scary. Word finding is so difficult, and knowing at one point that I used to be able to be articulate, and talk in length with no interruption is hard. I know I can do this class, it may take me longer and although it seems most people except my mom, my brother and a few friends truly believe what I am capable of. This time I have to prove to myself that the worsening brain fog won’t deter me. Just like my physical disabilities have not deterred me. So here’s to continuing to put one foot in front of the other and remembering to breath, one breath at a time. Complete breaths.

I thought that I had gotten through that part of the pain, but I growth rite? It didn’t hit as bad as it used to. This is part of me healing from the last year or so if not more… There is so much to process. I won’t lie some of these posts are going to be quite convoluted but mostly just thoughts that may have popped in my head. Some may be more put together than others.

Let’s get this bachelors degree! Maybe a whole new career?! This is terrifying!